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The Healing Power of Presence
The breath teaches and reminds us of at least 3 things:
- everything is temporary
- change is constant
- we are alive
...i.e. we are here, we are present.
I was clinically depressed when I started practicing yoga regularly in 2015. Depression is a symptom of attachment to the past. Hence, the practice of conscious breathing for an hour a day, i.e. yoga practice, was life transforming, to say the least. Yoga practice literally took me out of the physical, and thus mental, circumstances which enabled depression in me. Each day experiencing presence and thus conditioning my inner tune to be one that is present as opposed to clinging to what no longer exists...this was the key my healing, less thinking and ruminating, simply being.
...even before I stepped on the mat and did the 'actual' yoga, I was already healing.
Showing up: Actions speak loud
If this dis-ease called depression was conditioned over years of maladaptive emotional and stress dis-regulation (which, for me, were consequences themselves of complex-posttraumatic development), it would take more than one 1 hour yoga class to undo these conditionings and reprogram a new, more adaptive way of managing the Self through life's inevitable [ups and] downs. My yoga practice started like most people, as a way to exercise the physical body. Unknowingly at the time, going to the yoga studio to do the yoga--i.e. being physically present--and even simply making the choice to do something different--i.e. getting out of the conditions and circumstances that enabled my depression--than what I was doing as a diagnosed depressed person were innately actions that healed me. In other words, even before I stepped on the mat and did the 'actual' yoga, I was already healing.
I didn't get into the practice consciously thinking "this will heal me" nor did I even think that I needed or wanted to heal. At the time, I truly believed I was damaged, self-destructive, and broken and it was my destiny to overreact to everything, causing harm to myself and others. However, I must give this version of Kim credit: though she was in deep daily despair, she still chose to do some form of exercise which is a promising sign of hope. In many ways, I believe I could have chosen any discipline and I would have healed from depression to a degree, but I also believe I was led to yoga of all things and fortunately, because it had led me from a physical practice to deeper, introspective, and contemplative practices which were necessary in my healing process. Getting on the mat was the hard first part, then everything else, i.e. the healing magical power of yoga practice, just happened, it worked.
You are not the same as yesterday and will not be the same tomorrow, not even in the next breath, so we must constantly be present with what is.
Practicing presence: Nothing is forever, even the 'bad' stuff
Yoga practice, like many other physical practices like running or climbing, enable the practitioner to be present. You have to be present in order to practice effectively, otherwise you may injure yourself whether physically in a pose or even mentally. You must assess your alignment in each pose, every day. Even if you've done virabhadrasana II (warrior II) a million thousand times for many lifetimes, this warrior II is new. You are not the same as yesterday and will not be the same tomorrow, not even in the next breath, so we must constantly be present with what is.
Once we are doing the posture, now we let the posture "do us"- we breathe while holding the posture. For even just 5 breaths, we hold. If it's a pose we enjoy, we must enjoy and make the most of the few breaths. If the pose is challenging or uncomfortable, we must remember that it'll be over in the same few breaths. We are present, both in each posture and also in life, for not too long so we must make the most of every breath no matter if it is perceived as pleasant or unpleasant, it's all temporary.
I was gaining physical and mental strength to help me through the process of letting go, becoming free.
Stuck vs. Flow: Learning to let go
Okay, so we practice consistently showing up (being present), whether consistency means every day in some form or once a week, etc. From then on, the works of yoga...work. Our body changes from the asanas (poses) strengthening and opening our muscles, freeing blockages and thus allowing channels of energy (prana/life force) to flow. With the strength, we can hold ourSelves with confidence. With flexibility, we are more readily able to relax and sit comfortably in any posture or circumstance.
We move and transition with the breath—rising and receiving with the inhales (prana vayu), lowering and releasing with the exhales (apana vayu)—experiencing flowing through change, which is always happening. Even if we are seemingly still (e.g. yin yoga), change is still happening with every breath. Simply observe the breath, again, our teacher; we breath in oxygen and breath out carbon dioxide, there is change right then and there. We are constantly changing. We are not the same as we were in the past where we may have had trying experiences...may this truth liberate you.
How we feel in our physical body affects the energetic and mental bodies. As we more and more move more easily and feel more comfortable in our meat suits, we more and more gain more confidence from the experience gained on the mat and thus, able to move more freely and trusting that we are in the right place. We can let go of the worry of what has happened, whether in the far past or in the last breath, because we are already moving to a new place. If we hold on to the balasana (child's pose) at the start of the class, we will never make it to savasana (corpse pose). We must continue to move, to flow with change, accepting it as an inevitable truth. If change is inevitable and thus out of our control—likewise, we cannot control the past for it has passed—we must focus on what we can control- our actions, thoughts, and behavior.
Depression, again, is a symptom of stuck-ness and holding onto what doesn't exist anymore in the present and we have no control over. Choosing to do something new and different (for me, it was yoga practice) changed the wind of depression, inviting me to flow as opposed to hold. With practice, I was gaining physical and mental strength to help me through the process of letting go, becoming free. And through it all, giving myself grace for when I can't get a posture or if I judge myself for whatever reason. This is all part of flow. It's a practice, not perfect.
The breath is life, it is our life. It reminds us we are alive, which, at the end of the day, is all we need.
How to practice (Hint: You're already doing it ;)
The breath is always present, whether or not we choose to be conscious of and with it. The breath is also present, i.e. it is not in the past nor in the future. We can practice pranayama (breathwork) techniques to continue releasing tension and blockages of flow, physically and physiologically changing and healing. However, simply breathing consciously, i.e. being aware of your breath/life, is potent practice in itself.
In yoga, the breath is prana, which is the life force energy. The breath is life, it is our life. It reminds us we are alive, which, at the end of the day, is all we need. The breath comes in cycles, we inhale and then we exhale. It comes and goes, just like moments and happenings in our lives, the perceived good, bad, sad, happy, all will come and go and then come and go again. Accepting this truth of inevitable change, we can move and flow through them. The breath is the perfect teacher and it is always there. We don't need to reach and seek, we simply need to remember.
So right here, take a moment to notice your breathing...
...notice that you're breathing.
This is the practice, both on and off the mat...simply showing up and remembering all that is. Presence.
Lovingly,
Kim
